This weekend, MY weekend…the very one I said wouldn’t be ruined by anything…sucked (for lack of any good word here). Fight after fight, tantrums, yelling, screaming, crying, more crying and anger. I can’t wrap my mind around it all. I want to say I understand what caused it and what I can do to prevent it next time…but I can’t. Lately fights with my family have been dramatic fights that seemingly begin and end without any cause or reason at all. I won’t draw this out anymore. I just don’t know what else to say about that.
I had intentions to write a good post here. One that I would type with care and maturity. One with profound words and thoughts. But, I cannot muster this right now. I can’t accomplish anything with more thought than what I am typing right now in this post.
I wanna address a few things (perhaps situations and people as well) here:
- I’m not very good at this sort of thing. I’m sure after so long you realize this. I’m not very good at warm thoughts, positivity or comforting people. I try, I really do. I can only hope my efforts are reflected in what I say and do to you right now. But most of all, I hope you know that I’m here for you (or I’m trying to be) as much as you need me to be, anytime you need me to be, and where you need me to be. You are a lovely, beautiful person and if I could make this easier, or any better…I would. Without a thought, I would. Since I cannot, I will continue to support, uplift and pray for you guys. I say “you guys” because not only you but your family is important to me. Your family is my family and honestly, I wouldn’t have it any other way.
- Our time is almost up. I can feel it every time I talk to you. I can hear it in your voice and see it in your actions. It’s a mix of emotions. It’s sad. It’s happy. A beginning, an end. This chapter, that chapter. I am excited and upset and happy and sad and scared. I’m just everything you can imagine right now. And I really, honestly wish you the best.
- Distant isn’t the word for it. I don’t know what happened, but its leaving me confused. Why does this keep happening? It would make sense if you weren’t so readily available prior to this. Now, gone. Without anything said. It’s just…its confusing, to say the least.
- Your actions lately are troubling. I want to believe you’re not the bad guy. I want to believe that somehow you’re the victim of something. But I can’t. You’ve been rude, nasty, harsh and just hurtful lately. But whenever it is brought to your attention…you turn away, yell and scream or argue back in defense. You claim its not your fault or that some other reason caused it or more likely, you claim the incident never happened at all. Deny. Deny. Deny. That’s all you know how to do. Just admit you have anger issues and a bad attitude. The sooner you do that, the sooner we can begin to make this better.
- Dramatic outbursts, and random yelling…hurt feelings and angry tones. That’s all my Sunday consists of around you two. One of you makes it harder than the other one. But still, you’re both to blame. Why must you act this way? It causes me to feel awkward and uncomfortable. I just don’t wanna feel tense and upset with you guys anymore.
- This group, this group we’ve formed…its one of the best things yet. I have grown closer to you guys. I know some people would judge me because you guys are not my age, hang around my parents and aren’t “cool”. But I love you all. I wouldn’t trade you guys for anything right now. So keep being you and I’ll keep being me :) Deal?
Bed time is now. Thanks for reading…my rants are never organized and I cannot imagine who reads these posts.